Buy a Fucking Bidet!

Toilet paper's getting traded like cigarettes in prison right now.

What the fuck's a bidet?

Simply put, a bidet is an attachment for your toilet with a little sprayer to shoot water where the sun don't shine.

You finish your business, turn it on, and it hoses you off. Some even have adjustable and/or dual-sprayers so you can get your front-bits, too.

Besides feeling fresh as a daisy, bidets are also better for the environment and cheaper than buying a ton of toilet paper. Win-win-win.

I should buy a bidet
That's a smart fucking cat.

How do you install a bidet?

Do you have a basic understanding of how screwdrivers and hoses work? Congratulations, you're a goddamn bidet installation expert.

Here's a YouTube video, if you don't believe me:

Some good fucking bidets

These motherfuckers are selling like hotcakes right now, but here are some damn good bidets for about what you'd pay for the big-ass pack of double-quilted super-duper-mega rolls at the grocery store:

Disclosure: These are affiliate links, which means I make money when you click 'em, at no cost to you.

TUSHY

TUSHY bidet overhead view

One of the nicer looking bidets out there, and I can't not recommend something that literally has "bum wash" written on it.

The Tushy also has an adjustable sprayer so you can really get up in there.

Tip: Don't Google "tushy" and click the first result, because it's absolutely going to be porn.

$79 on Amazon

Save $5 with this coupon

Butt Buddy

Butt Buddy bidet by In My Bathroom

I honestly think I'd be embarrassed if I had something called "Butt Buddy" in my bathroom, but you've gotta respect a company so committed to bathroom humor. Plus, nobody else goes in my bathroom, so it's not like I need to impress anyone.

Probably don't Google this one either, come to think of it.

$50 on Amazon

Samodra

Samodra bidet attachment

If there's one thing my bathroom's missing, it's a remote control right next to the throne.

This one's also available in different colors, in case you want to coordinate your toilet.

$60 on Amazon

What are you waiting for? Go buy one of those bidets, save the environment, and stop paying so much for toilet paper!