Buy a Fucking Bidet!
Toilet paper's getting traded like cigarettes in prison right now.
What the fuck's a bidet?
Simply put, a bidet is an attachment for your toilet with a little sprayer to shoot water where the sun don't shine.
You finish your business, turn it on, and it hoses you off. Some even have adjustable and/or dual-sprayers so you can get your front-bits, too.
Besides feeling fresh as a daisy, bidets are also better for the environment and cheaper than buying a ton of toilet paper. Win-win-win.
How do you install a bidet?
Do you have a basic understanding of how screwdrivers and hoses work? Congratulations, you're a goddamn bidet installation expert.
Here's a YouTube video, if you don't believe me:
Some good fucking bidets
These motherfuckers are selling like hotcakes right now, but here are some damn good bidets for about what you'd pay for the big-ass pack of double-quilted super-duper-mega rolls at the grocery store:
Disclosure: These are affiliate links, which means I make money when you click 'em, at no cost to you.
TUSHY
One of the nicer looking bidets out there, and I can't not recommend something that literally has "bum wash" written on it.
The Tushy also has an adjustable sprayer so you can really get up in there.
Tip: Don't Google "tushy" and click the first result, because it's absolutely going to be porn.
Butt Buddy
I honestly think I'd be embarrassed if I had something called "Butt Buddy" in my bathroom, but you've gotta respect a company so committed to bathroom humor. Plus, nobody else goes in my bathroom, so it's not like I need to impress anyone.
Probably don't Google this one either, come to think of it.
Samodra
If there's one thing my bathroom's missing, it's a remote control right next to the throne.
This one's also available in different colors, in case you want to coordinate your toilet.
What are you waiting for? Go buy one of those bidets, save the environment, and stop paying so much for toilet paper!